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Why I Rarely Ask Why

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As many of you may already know, recently I had major surgery on the tail-end of nearly a year’s worth of painful symptoms no one could adequately diagnose. It all culminated in an emergency room visit after an excruciating rupture of a uterine cyst and the removal of that cyst, an ovary and a Fallopian tube. Not the outcome one expects or wants!

When things aren’t going our way it’s common to question why.

Why did this happen to me?

Depending on your situation, perhaps you’ve asked yourself:

Why did I say, or not say, that?
Why did he/she behave that way?
Why didn’t I get that job or promotion?
And on, and on, and on.

The potential pitfall of asking ‘why’ inquiries is getting, and staying, stuck in a problematic state. ‘Why’ doesn’t always allow you a way out, or a means to search for a solution. Even worse, often times, ‘whys’ trap you in a depressive or self-deprecating internal funk.

So how do you get unstuck, or escape, the insidious slump?

Exactly, ‘how!’

Start asking ‘how’ or ‘what’ questions. For instance, when I got sick I didn’t ask “why did this happen to me?” Instead I asked, “OK, so what’s the next step to take now knowing this?”

Piggybacking on the aforementioned ‘why’ questions, you can consider reframing these questions accordingly:

How can I prevent this from happening again?
What can I say differently next time?
What could be the possible reasons for her/him to react that way?
How can I communicate my skill set more effectively to potential employers?

Notice how reformulating these questions creates a rapid mindset shift and positive internal state. This isn’t to say you can’t, or shouldn’t, feel upset or frustrated. This is simply a means to feel what you feel while also allowing a greater perspective.

The second set of questions has the capability of removing personal or interpersonal judgements and starting the decision-making process. These questions allow a quicker release of emotional charges or triggers. They cause you to take action–not fruitlessly fester.

And, of course, not all ‘why’ questions are ill-advised or disempowering, but they do have a greater possibility of creating a slippery slope. To ensure you steer clear of unhelpful thought, you might consider implementing ‘how’ or ‘what.’ I’m curious to know how much better you’ll feel when you do.


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How to Process Your Emotions in 4 Simple Steps

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Do your emotions explode like a shaken carbonated soda with a loose bottle cap, leaving behind a mess of hurt feelings and words you can’t take back? 

Or do you repress your feelings so far deep that you are numb to any experience of them?

The fact is we weren’t taught how to properly process our emotions by our parents, or our teachers. It’s no fault of their own, however. No one was taught! By not processing our emotions we can carry with us long-standing internal wounds. When those wounds aren’t healed, and emotions aren’t expressed in a healthy manner, physical ailments and illnesses can often ensue.  

To thwart the dangers of unhealthy emotional expression, I’ve created a simple 4-step process to follow in this QUICK 5-MINUTE VIDEO. 

Please SUBSCRIBE and SHARE if you find this video useful!

I’d love to hear your thoughts, learn how well these techniques are working for you, and find out what topics you’d like me to cover in upcoming videos.
After all, I’m here to serve you.
So I intend to make the topics suit your needs.

5 Shockingly Simple Ways to Reduce Anxiety in Seconds!

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It’s HERE!

Learn 5 Shockingly Simple Ways to Lessen Anxiety in Seconds – by viewing my first coaching video.

Please SUBSCRIBE and SHARE if you find this video useful!

I’d love to hear your thoughts, learn how well these techniques are working for you, and find out what topics you’d like me to cover in upcoming videos. After all, I’m here to serve you. So I intend to make the topics suit your needs.

Feel free to email me at: change@lanibuess.com.

Reset Upset: 7 Refreshingly Easy Ways to a Better Day

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pexels-photo-89643Sometimes life can just get you down. You turn on the news and get an earful of the racial unrest in today’s society. You scroll through your social media feeds and face a barrage of nasty political debates. Or perhaps, it’s something that hits closer to home: a recent breakup, a demanding boss, or a layoff. It could even be as fleeting as a car cutting you off or an unfortunate misunderstanding. It doesn’t take much for us to go from zen to unzipped.

Here are ways to wade through any storm in mere minutes.

1. Replace your “Why Me’s?” It’s common to play the blame game when upset. But instead of pointing fingers at the perpetrator of your discontent, you can choose to empower yourself by switching to “how” or “what” internal dialogue. That overly critical “Why did this happen to me?” quickly becomes a problem-solving mission when reframed as, “How can I learn from this situation?” or “What are the options now before me?” “How” or “what” open-ended questions allow your mind to remain curious, seek solutions and silver linings.

2. Flip the Form. When we’re crushed, we’re consumed by the content, or the story we tell ourselves about the incident. But this will lead us on a downward spiral of distressing emotions. Rather, explore how you experience the world. Do you recreate the worrisome scenario with a mental image in vivid color? Change the picture to black and white. Are you immersed in the scene? Turn it into a still photograph that you simply look at. Plagued by an abusive inner voice? Listen to the absurdity in the tone of Mickey Mouse. Have a tight ball of tension in your stomach? Visualize untangling the knots. By altering how you form your upset through sensory perception, you transform how you react.

3. Anchor a Better Mood. Recall an experience where you were more resourceful, like a time you were calm or confident. Fully associate into that experience by remembering what you saw, how you felt and what you heard—as if it’s happening to you right now. For instance, imagine a cool, inviting breeze on your face as you bury your feet in the warm sand, while lying on a beach blanket and gazing at the ebbs and flows of the ocean tide before you. How much better do you feel? Once you embody a pleasant past experience, you create a better mood in your current state.

4. Opt for a Varying Viewpoint. Consider the advice you would give to a friend if this were happening to them. The moment you can dissociate from the experience and act as an objective observer, you’re no longer emotionally invested. From this space, you can explore opportunities and alternatives with a clearer head.

5. Assess Eye Movement. According to Neuro-Linguistic Programming, or NLP (which is a study of human behavior and experience), a person’s eye movements are a window into their thinking processes. So watch where you’re looking. If you tend to look down when in a disturbed state, there’s a good chance you’re engaging in some self-deprecating internal talk or submerging yourself in unwanted feelings. If you look laterally, you’re replaying or constructing unpleasant dialogue of the incident. And if you look up, you’re recalling or forming the scene in anxiety-inducing visual imagery. If you tend to have a habitual eye pattern, change it up. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR, relies on rotating eye cues as a psychotherapy treatment. Research studies have shown EMDR to be quite effective in patients with post-traumatic stress disorder, particularly.

6. Interrupt Your Pattern. When you notice your mental state tanking—crack a joke, bust out a smile, immediately change your posture, take a brief walk, or observe your bystanders, instead. Pattern interruptions force you out of a funk.

7. Breathe. Become aware of your breath, by noticing how your chest and stomach rise and fall with each inhalation and exhalation. By focusing on how you breathe, you give your conscious mind a job to do, which takes attention away from the present predicament. Diaphragmatic breathing, or deep belly breathing, has also been proven to curb stress and increase relaxation. And if all else fails, take a nap or head to bed. You’ll be refreshed and ready to take on the world upon waking.

Relapse without Regret

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There are moments in each of our lives when we mess up after we promised ourselves, or others, we wouldn’t ever do so again. We lapse in judgment. We feed a frightful behavior, or break a promise we once thought so easy to keep.

As a result, we kick ourselves. We get disappointed or ashamed. We lose a bit of respect. We put ourselves through the ringer.

It’s here that we could easily deem ourselves a failure. We downed that drink. Lit that cigarette or stuffed that donut in our face. Whatever our vice or demon, we succumbed to it’s temptation or slid back into it’s old destructive habit.

But beating yourself up, or nursing your fuck up, facilitates doubt. It makes you question your sincerity or integrity. It makes you feel ill-equipped or powerless to forces seemingly beyond your control.  However, lapse, or relapse, is just that: a “temporary” failure. Instead concentrate on how far you have come. Focus on the journey you have made. Our setbacks are only indicators of the work that still needs to be done. It’s not a time to throw in the towel or admit defeat. It’s a time to accept your current limitations and to push past them. To expect greater of yourself tomorrow than you do today. It’s simply a new goal to attain.

A therapist once told me that a good technique is to retrace your steps. Go back to that moment, relive it, see in what part of your physical being feels distressed and find out what “need” wasn’t met that caused the relapse. Actually talk to that part of your being, find out what it has to tell you, listen to it, feel/hear what it’s trying to tell you, and console it. It sounds out there, but it’s actually a legit technique of Parts Therapy. What you’ll learn is a compassionate and loving way to heal yourself while discovering what you innately need as a person.

“It is here … that love is to be found – not hidden away in corners but in the midst of occasions of sin. And believe me, although we may more often fail and commit small lapses, our gain will be incomparably the greater.” – Saint Teresa of Avila

So when you want to shame yourself for your faults, stop. Step back, and first discover why they exist in the first place. Acknowledge them, learn from them, and give yourself a bit of love.